Rules, Do's and Don'ts
(It seems incredible that we need them, but occasionally, we do...)

As TONY SOPRANO might say . . .  (imagine Bronx/Queens or maybe East Orange NJ accent)

1.  It's a HOME STUDIO and that means it's actually our HOME even though we record here.

2.  We can't afford a U.S. citizen
maid and still charge you those great low rates, so we don't have a maid.  Don't assume the maid's gonna clean up after you.  Pretend it's your home and that you're clean freaks like us.  We have enough to do without extra cleaning chores, -or- we could add the labor time to your studio bill.

3.  We put
in the washroom for you.  Don't wipe black-greased hands or blot lipstick or mascara on our white cotton towels.  This ain't Big Axle's truckstop.  The cloth towels in the room are for decoration only, and have been painstakingly soaked and coated with cyanide, poison-dart frog venom and plutonium dioxide.  Avoid them at all costs.

4.  BATH MATS are NOT for dirty hand wiping, and no, we ain't got no corn cobs.  Yikes!

5.  A woman lives here guys—don't pee on her carpet and leave the seat up.  You could end up dis-invited in the future or your host could end up as freezer meat.

6.  Highly personal hygiene items like our toothpaste, brushes and mouthwash are off limits to studio clients.  Hell, our party guests all know better than to behave THAT way.  Yikes!

7.  We don't  gallivant
through YOUR medicine cabinet or rummage through your drawers.  We don't have anything in ours that could possibly be "interesting" to you.  Take a hint.

8.  If you absolutely must fill the sink and countertop with split ends, pubic hair, or shave in mid session, please have the courtesy to wipe up with damp T.P. and flush it in the can.  We don't know what the heck goes on in there and we don't really care as long as there's no evidence left over to go "Yeuccchh!" at, when we open the door later.

9.  FOOD AND DRINK STAY IN THE KITCHEN and are not permitted on carpeted areas.  I know the place ain't no freakin' palace but we gotta live here after you leave.  Seems carpeting is simply too new an invention for some people, who can't figure out if they should spill food and coffee on tile or if they should spill food and coffee on carpet.  What The F . . .?

10.  You're our guest, but the fridge, the stove and the pantry are ours.  ASK for things the way guests do.  Don't behave like like a pig—we don't need the bacon.

11.  When you leave, police your butts, cans, bottles, and fast-food or candy wrappers.  The trash barrels are tucked neatly beside the house.  You don't wanna be mistaken
(by the cops living across the street) for one of our neighbor's kids' gang-banger pals, do ya?

12.  If the Hostess gets home from work
before you leave, after a hard day of slaving for the ungrateful and suffering a hellish commute, it wouldn't kill you to say good night to her.  Capiche?